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The Total Transformation Program
I would consider myself
something of a "parenting book junkie". I have read hundreds of
different parenting books that address every issue known to man
and in various different parenting styles. I love books that
help you devise a plan for the difficulties we all face. Being a
good mother is incredibly important to me and I like to read
thoughts and advice from lots of different sources on how to get
past the hurdles. Many parenting books and programs just don't
make the cut though. Why? I don’t like tough love,
authoritarian, or most faith based parenting books and programs.
Something like the Ezzo’s Babywise or Growing Kids God’s Way,
where the author’s instruct you to hit your kids with plumbing
pipe… no those are not going to go over well with me. I like to
keep it positive, peaceful, and cooperative. I want to bring out
the best in my kids and to accomplish that I need to be at
MY best. If an domination and coercion is
our best tactic then we have bigger problems then any parenting
book can cover.
It is for this reason
that I was a bit apprehensive when I reviewed an in demand
parenting product/resource. It is called the
Total
Transformation Program and it is designed to help parents
who have children with moderate to severe behavioral issues
including defiant and abusive behavior. It could also be easily
applied to smaller challenges like talking back, being
argumentative, and failing to get along with other people. The
draw for me was that this program addresses problems already in
place and specifically defiant or verbally abusive kids. I have
started to have a problem in this area with my oldest child and
I knew immediately I need a game plan right away. This program
is based on the premise that these kids just don’t have the
skills to solve their problems and it teaches you how to give
your child more effective ways to solve his or her problems than
fighting, screaming, annoying, and being defiant.
The program was developed
by James Lehman MSW who had a very troubled youth himself and it
took him quite awhile to learn the skills he lacked to deal with
his problems and issues and once he was able to right his path
he pursued social work and then started a practice as a
therapist to work troubled kids. The
Total
Transformation Program is a set of video CDs, audio
CDs, and a workbook that all help parents and kids work out
their issues. I liked that I could transfer them to my iPod
Classic for on the go listening/viewing.
I started to review it a few months back and
liked it well enough but I guess I just needed some incentive.
The past few weeks have given me that incentive as my 9 year old
has really started acting out and becoming defiant. He is
testing boundaries and that is okay…what is not okay is
the dance (a power struggle of wills) he has managed to get me
to participate in. I realized that I needed to figure out how to
handle his outburts without making us both crazy. He has also
been very mean to his sister lately and while I try to discover
where this resentment is coming from I need to be proactive and
get it to stop for my daughter’s sake. I needed to help him find
better ways to deal with his frustrations. Parenting “young”
kids is soooo much easier.
Luckily, this program is designed for older
kids…I would say kids over 6 years old usually and kids who
are defiant, problematic, abusive to parents and siblings, and
perhaps maybe dabbling in criminal behavior. Even the stuff that
did not apply to us was very interesting. The stories shared by
parents in the video and program materials that come within this
package are typically desperate parents who were at ropes end.
They felt like they had failed their child and didn’t know if
there was any way to turn things around.
In the intro video Lehman explains that these
parents are not failures or even bad parents…just parents don’t
have the tools they need. According to the premise of the
program, many children have not learned problems solving skills
or effective ways to deal with issues and situations they
encounter and so they fall back on behavior as their outlet
because through behavior they can affect change and get what
they want usually.
My concern when I received this program was
that it may not coincide with the principles of positive
parenting and discipline and that it might be a “tough love”
program. Right away I saw a big difference when Lehman mentioned
that the key Connection/Positive parenting ideal that “children
behave better when they feel better” is false. Lehman believes
that feeling better comes naturally as they learn to more
effectively manage situations and behave in more appropriate
ways…that their ability to behave results in positive self
worth. I see both sides of the debate and feel both have some
truth to them. In my opinion Lehman’s opinion feels more
accurate for older kids. If they are battling internally to be
able to find ways to deal with conflict, then they will feel
better when they can do it successfully. At that age they are
less dependent on us for their self esteem as they are
themselves and their own accomplishments. The age makes a big
difference.
Every time I found myself
starting to tense when he said a word I didn’t like such as
control or disconnect I only had to listen to the concept to
understand that what he was saying was actually complimentary to
peaceful parenting techniques. Control was not the caveman logic
of “You child, me parent, me control you.” It was about being
proactive and ready, with a plan in place BEFORE the
objectionable behavior begins, so that you are in control of
your own
behavior. Disconnecting was the word given to the practice of
walking away from a conversation or a situation to cool off and
regroup. It had nothing to do with actually disconnecting from
your child.
One thing I immediately
loved was his remark that you don’t have to attend every fight
just because you are invited. Parents often get into power plays
with their kids and parents don’t have to feed into this. They
can walk away and decline the invitation, letting their child
know that we won’t be talking until you can come to me without
being antagonistic. This helps parents to recognize that they
are part of the problem when they let themselves be engaged like
that. I can already see the value in this with my 8 year old.
Kids will pick a fight just to see you react…and as Lehman
said…you don’t need to accept that invitation. He has good
advice on how
to stop any argument with your kid instantly.
I really liked the CD on one minute
transformation techniques too. It is all about having a plan
when situations come up and acting quickly and consistently. We
handle things badly when we don’t know what to do…at least I do.
I left this CD in my car so I can listen in while I am running
errands.
Anyway, I am really enjoying this course and I
like the speaking style of James Lehman. He is personable and
knowledgeable and available to many parents who may be
struggling with behavior issues at home. I didn’t agree with
everything I heard but overall I do think it is very valuable
information.
We have had good results too. It has really
helped head off arguments and battles before they get started.
Instead of a 20 minutes whine, complain, explainathon we have
been having direct, calm conversations where I let my
expectations be known and I leave it that. When he knows I will
not let myself be engaged in a battle of wills he loses interest
in the drama. Every time I use these tactics I not only get
through to him…I feel so much better. It is a huge weight of my
shoulders to not tense up and anticipate a fight. Next up we
tackle sibling issues.
The
Total
Transformation Program has been a really good find
for us.
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